I need viewers!! Check out my second cartoon attempt

Rhoel · Post by **Rhoel** » Fri May 15, 2009 7:52 pm

Constructive ... okay, let's try.
1: the edit is sluggish, needs some serious scissor work in places - the gap between the cut and speech is way too long in many points: Tighten that up and it'll look better. 6-8 frames works nicely. Comedy relies on timing - timing is everything.
2: Loose the photo behind the Peanuts title, it jars. Draw it.
3: The first music cut to nothing doesn't work - fade it, overlap it with SndFX or something.
4: The L > R walk cycle from the Ciggie machine to the bar is animation poor and overly long. No black guy walks like that - a Richard Prior double bounce walk might be beyond your skills but simply using rotate on static arm/legs isn't working.
5L: the guy's arrival at the bar feels like a line cross - the staging is wrong or the edit is wrong. Try a bridging shot.

One thing about animation is it takes a heap of time to complete ... so starting with a good idea or gag provides a return on that time investmetn: This one leaves me with "why did you bother" reaction. This isn't going to sparkle with the Comedy Central or the Cartoon Network's [adult swim] crowd.

The other market short animation clips have is the mobile downloads - I can't even see anyone wanting to download this either.

Search here or Google "Cat Bastard" - done with ASP, and highlights all the above, neat story, well executed, good cut, limited animation but effective.

Nobody expects you to come out of the stalls with your first few films looking dazzling: But the profanity and Nigga references can't hide the fact this has no story or the fact it isn't funny.

Use it as a test bed, and go back and re-cut it, loose any non action: See how that works. Try loosing the dialogue track and re-writing it to make it funny - there are plenty of potential gags of why he might go to the cigarette machine, then comeback to the bar to complaint. Make it as surreal as you like. Give the guy an English upper class accent and have him complain "I say ole chap, your peanut machine is broke". Barman: "That's why we have complementary peanuts'. Not leg wetting funny but it works. I am sure you could think of something better.

Unfortunately, this version needs more remedial work.

Rhoel

synthsin75 · Post by **synthsin75** » Fri May 15, 2009 10:20 pm

Hey profanity can be a great comedic device. But it needs to be just sparse enough to have some impact. After a string of expletives, one for comedic effect just falls flat. There needs to be contrast in any story or comedy. How entertaining is a song composed of a single note?

It really is too bad you can't take anything constructive from this. I imagine you get a huge kick out of offending or shocking people. Most of us find that boring. You use to have an avatar that was flipping the bird, followed up by this kind of demanding post. In that light, the amount of profanity sure seems to fit your personality and sense of humor.

H.G. DaGr8One · Post by **H.G. DaGr8One** » Sat May 16, 2009 12:58 am

Rhoel wrote:Constructive ... okay, let's try.
1: the edit is sluggish, needs some serious scissor work in places - the gap between the cut and speech is way too long in many points: Tighten that up and it'll look better. 6-8 frames works nicely. Comedy relies on timing - timing is everything.
2: Loose the photo behind the Peanuts title, it jars. Draw it.
3: The first music cut to nothing doesn't work - fade it, overlap it with SndFX or something.
4: The L > R walk cycle from the Ciggie machine to the bar is animation poor and overly long. No black guy walks like that - a Richard Prior double bounce walk might be beyond your skills but simply using rotate on static arm/legs isn't working.
5L: the guy's arrival at the bar feels like a line cross - the staging is wrong or the edit is wrong. Try a bridging shot.

One thing about animation is it takes a heap of time to complete ... so starting with a good idea or gag provides a return on that time investmetn: This one leaves me with "why did you bother" reaction. This isn't going to sparkle with the Comedy Central or the Cartoon Network's [adult swim] crowd.

The other market short animation clips have is the mobile downloads - I can't even see anyone wanting to download this either.

Search here or Google "Cat Bastard" - done with ASP, and highlights all the above, neat story, well executed, good cut, limited animation but effective.

Nobody expects you to come out of the stalls with your first few films looking dazzling: But the profanity and Nigga references can't hide the fact this has no story or the fact it isn't funny.

Use it as a test bed, and go back and re-cut it, loose any non action: See how that works. Try loosing the dialogue track and re-writing it to make it funny - there are plenty of potential gags of why he might go to the cigarette machine, then comeback to the bar to complaint. Make it as surreal as you like. Give the guy an English upper class accent and have him complain "I say ole chap, your peanut machine is broke". Barman: "That's why we have complementary peanuts'. Not leg wetting funny but it works. I am sure you could think of something better.

Unfortunately, this version needs more remedial work.

Rhoel

Thanks for the critique i'll be sure to make those corrections next time around. I clearly got a lot to learn and practice makes perfect. I asked if the cartoon could be viewed not critiqued but whatever. Next time I want criticism i'll be sure to ask for it because ya'll will be honest.

H.G. DaGr8One · Post by **H.G. DaGr8One** » Sat May 16, 2009 1:05 am

synthsin75 wrote:Hey profanity can be a great comedic device. But it needs to be just sparse enough to have some impact. After a string of expletives, one for comedic effect just falls flat. There needs to be contrast in any story or comedy. How entertaining is a song composed of a single note?

It really is too bad you can't take anything constructive from this. I imagine you get a huge kick out of offending or shocking people. Most of us find that boring. You use to have an avatar that was flipping the bird, followed up by this kind of demanding post. In that light, the amount of profanity sure seems to fit your personality and sense of humor.

Thanks for the constructive feed back if that is what you want to call it. I can take criticism with the best of them but being rude about it is pointless and is just going to turn people off. I love offending and shocking people that is what I am shooting for. My stuff is not suppose to be kid friendly. My character flips the bird because that is his attitude toward the world. I love profanity, it's all about expression and how one feels.

jahnocli · Post by **jahnocli** » Sat May 16, 2009 12:19 pm

H.G. DaGr8One wrote:...being rude about it is pointless and is just going to turn people off. I love offending and shocking people...

Listen to yourself! You can dish it out but you can't take it? No one here is being rude -- believe me, you'd know about it if they were. Just try to accept some well-meaning criticism and move on...

jackismyazz · Post by **jackismyazz** » Sat May 16, 2009 5:40 pm

jahnocli wrote: No one here is being rude -- believe me

ya! I agree wid that

synthsin75 · Post by **synthsin75** » Sat May 16, 2009 6:11 pm

jackismyazz,

While the swastika is itself a benign symbol, that looks an awful lot like the Nazi use. I'm guessing you enjoy trying to shock and offend as well. If that's your intent, it's merely boring. If that's you ideology, I'm sure you are unwelcome on this forum.

jackismyazz · Post by **jackismyazz** » Sat May 16, 2009 6:50 pm

hmph... u mock others its all right, when they tease u it's awful, boring blah blah...

everything I ever learned only came from making mistakes, no one ever taught me how to live, not a single being

and been offended so much time that i can see through your expressions

synthsin75 · Post by **synthsin75** » Sat May 16, 2009 7:16 pm

So that swastika is a joke? If so, I don't get it.

jackismyazz · Post by **jackismyazz** » Sat May 16, 2009 7:19 pm

Ya Ya Ya!!!

synthsin75 · Post by **synthsin75** » Sat May 16, 2009 7:38 pm

Well I guess you're smart enough to change your avatar before someone booted you, jackismyazz.

jackismyazz · Post by **jackismyazz** » Sat May 16, 2009 7:47 pm

actually, I wasn't trying to be naughty at all

heyvern · Post by **heyvern** » Sat May 16, 2009 8:22 pm

I'm never been a fan of "shock" content. I don't find it funny. I never liked Howard Stern. "Shock" content is a cheap and easy way to get a reaction. It caters to the most base humor level. The junior high fart joke mentality. I never thought fart jokes were funny and never appreciated "bathroom humor" even as a kid.

I'm into "intellectual" comedy. Something that makes you have to think.
It is much harder to be funny without resorting to the "shock" value. I am just not impressed with comedy based on cursing and offensive topics. If it isn't funny the shock value has no impact.

This just isn't funny. It is only just a bunch of cursing and drug references. It made no sense.

This is just my opinion.

-vern

Rhoel · Post by **Rhoel** » Sat May 16, 2009 8:23 pm

Couple of points

1: The need to offend - Commercially its a dead end and from 30+ years of commercial broadcast production, I can't think of one company which succeeded from that approach. From the commissioning editors POV, it smacks of unprofessionalism and lack of talent. I can think of more than a dozen hopefully animator/directors over the years who resorted to the needless shock, profanity and poo jokes, none succeeded. Even Monty Python regretted their advertising of The Meaning of Life - (something to offend everyone). It resulted in people not bothering to go see the film as they would find it offensive. People like to be entertained. If you loose sight of that, you're waiting your time.

2: This forum has a zero tolerance to flame wars. The current direction of the exchanges is likely to lead to posts being deleted, topics locked. Time to take a step back and forget the all non-glowing comments = h8ers philosophy. Everyone here makes animation in one form or another: Some are hobbyists, others as a means to a questionable living. Not everyone will like your work. That's life.

Personally, I think the OP has had some good observations made about his efforts. I'd be interested in seeing if he is able to go back and create an improved take II: Plenty of us have done so after negative comments, made it better and then reposted. It's a response which gains respect, the ability to dust oneself off and prove their doubters wrong. Name calling simply proves the doubters right.

As H.G. DaGr8One himself says, being rude [...] is pointless and is just going to turn people off. The result will be this thread and others like it will simply be ignored - no-one will bother looking or commenting since they know it will end up in insults.

And that's a shoot yourself in the foot, counterproductive result ... people not wanting to look at your work.

Rhoel

synthsin75 · Post by **synthsin75** » Sat May 16, 2009 8:56 pm

You know, I probably should apologize. I went back and read the original post again, and I realized that he neither asked for nor invited any kind of comment whatsoever. Well except for positive comments.

The creator is then offered a commercial distribution contract and becomes eligible for a package of benefits that, in total, only Atom can deliver on. That is what I am trying to achieve "Pro Status" so I need as many views and positive comments as possible.

It was just a very annoying (in my opinion) plea for views to possibly further personal gain. Isn't there a name for that kind of thing? ....Oh well, I can't think of it at the moment.

So I am truly sorry. I didn't mean to speak without being asked for an honest opinion. And I think everyone here should be similarly ashamed of the awesome, if unsolicited, advise they've given. It was never asked for, so we should have no expectation of it falling on receptive ears.