Moho Forum

Ok so I know the Panda is coming to stomp me out of existence, but check this out if you like, there's a large PDF at the end of the trail, with characters and info the pilot episode is just a dummy, it's not the real pilot, more like a typical episode.
I'm stuck down in Australia and I'm swimming in circles at the moment.

http://charleskenway.com/akimbo/

I visited your website and read your PDF and I was stunned there was no significant animation to be seen. Even a 5-minute animatic (with or without scratch dialogue) would've been a huge help in appraising the project. All I saw was a tiny loop of Akimbo jumping, over and over.

You put so much work into the character designs and script, and then you decided to 'trust' people to use their imaginations to figure out what you have in mind rather than show them what you have in mind? Whoa.

Animation or an animatic would've helped me understand how funny the cartoon is supposed to be, which is something I'm unsure of. Maybe there is a lot of physical humor? Maybe all the fight scenes are funny? I don't know.

I was also disappointed there wasn't a picture showing the scale of the various characters. Are the squirrels the size of Akimbo's hands? Just how small is Tamarin? And so on.

I also didn't like the illustration of princess Ming Ling; she didn't appear princess-like because her hair is messy. Moreover, the illustration failed to capture her personality as displayed in the script. The illustration shows her as 'sweet', not demanding, pampered and self-centered.

Regarding Akimbo: in the script, the Akimbo character didn't 'grab' me. He was okay, I guess, but not a character to get excited about. Once I looked past his gorilla-ness, he seemed cliche. Again, some animation might've made him seem more interesting.

There were also a lot of punctuation errors in the character descriptions in the PDF (run-on sentences, forgetting a period, and so forth). You probably should've had someone check it and correct it before showing it to the business folks.

I hope I am not offending you with any of this criticism. I am only trying to give you unfiltered feedback, then kind only a total stranger can give.

I liked your work, overall; it certainly appears professional. The character design is good--I particularly liked Ulin and Bunny--and the script seems fairly polished. Nonetheless, I can see why business types might be hesitant to pump money into it.

Best of luck with whatever you do next. And congratulations on getting as much done as you did and for shopping it around. That takes a lot of drive and guts, IMO.

Thanx very much for your reply Tony, I very much appreciate it.
All your points are perfectly valid and I must agree wholeheartedly.

The princess is a problem and I would like to improve her, there is another version hanging around, your point about the messy hair is certainly a good one. The thing is she does redeem herself and her spoiled 'monkey princess' self throughout the series is mostly in flashback as she spends most of her screen time in the form of that little bird.
I had my concerns Akimbo the ape too.It's an unusual character in that he is learning to be responsible for his little friend Ming Ling who needs guidance, due to the absence of genuine adult supervision in her life. He is like her big brother in a way so much character development should come from that. Yes his voice and animated acting plus unique and gentle fighting style would give a little more. I was also planning to make him develop through the series as there's a lot to establish initially, also the professional writer would hopefully see to this in their infinite wisdom.



Here's a look at the ape anyway. I did this one in anime myself for a laugh, it's very unprofessional so don't think it as a sample of the real thing.

chucky wrote:...I was even told to crew up for it...

Aaaaaa! So very CLOSE! I would be in agony.

Hopefully that side-project you mentioned working on for the producers will strengthen your relationship with them and lead to a steady animation job later on. Good luck!

Regarding the Akimbo project, I thought of two new things that bug me a little about it.

The first is the quest for a Lost City. Unless it is written very, very well, I can imagine getting tired of seeing Akimbo wander from place to place, episode after episode, asking strangers if a lost city is nearby.

A different and less repetitive quest might be more exciting and easier to write for: in other words, Akimbo could have a quest that actually involves numerous mini-quests. For example, he could search for rare ingredients needed for a magical potion that would restore the Princess to her natural form. Something like this would allow a writer to be more creative in inventing new challenges for Akimbo in every episode, as opposed to re-inventing the same old challenge of finding the Lost City.

The second thing that bugs me a little is the character development of the Princess, as you said she becomes nicer as the series goes forward. I think this may be a problem. As long as the Princess remains a foil to Akimbo, there is a huge opportunity for funny dialogue. At present, the story seems designed to be less funny as the series progresses, as the tension between Akimbo and the Princess slowly leaks out, like air from a balloon.

Just a couple thoughts I thought I'd share in the spirit of helpfulness.

By the way, cool animation of Akimbo!

Hi Tony, thanks again for your critique, I know you read the synopsis, but I have to just say that the bible does not include every detail of the unfolding script and story, it was also in an early draft form and was awaiting a polish by the writer, who hadn't actually even touched it yet.
I do agree with the basic premise of your point regarding the Lost City I , I think your point about the Lost City may be unnecessary.
The Lost City does not take all season to find it's a destination though and does present just as you say a series of adventures and not so many clues that arise from merely traveling the distance, in fact it's not as a big deal as it sounds to get there, more of a joke in its very cliche remember 'Kung FU?'well this is more like Kong Fu . Also there are a few tricks up the sleeve regarding the unfolding of the story most of them rely on breaking expectations, twists and red herrings. Having said that I have no intention of repeating those things I so dislike about plots like "LOST"( which happens to be on right now and is getting much better these days).
Seriously, the humour in the longer story should only get better. When it comes to stories I have to insist- please.... no cheese.
The issue regarding the princess and Akimbo, the conflict between them lessens as the conflict around them increases, true, that is not to say their basic chemistry is diminished, she does become more likable but she retains her spirit, surely that can't hurt. I think though as they become more fond of each other, their ability to potentially hurt each other increases, don't you think? But I digress....

Oh yeah I figure the island on LOST is like a virtual prison or hospital. Nyuk, nyuk.


Anyway thanks again Tony I enjoy the feedback.

chucky wrote:...remember 'Kung FU?'well this is more like Kong Fu .

"Kong Fu"? Haha, that's awesome. Maybe that would make a better title...

chucky wrote:Seriously, the humour in the longer story should only get better.

I'm skeptical. But maybe that's because I can't think of any funny cartoon-series that have done what you're wanting to do with your story arc: that is, have the two principal characters start off as semi-enemies and evolve into friends as time goes by. Can you name a couple?

For example, Samurai Jack doesn't become friends with Haku. Ash doesn't become friends with Team Rocket. Cartman doesn't stop being a racist jerk so Stan and Kyle will love him as a dear friend.

To me, your idea is like saying, "Cartman will be 5% less of a jerk every episode until he is a nice person, and then it will be a lot easier to make funny episodes!" I just don't see it happening. It does not compute.

chucky wrote:The issue regarding the princess and Akimbo, the conflict between them lessens as the conflict around them increases, true, that is not to say their basic chemistry is diminished, she does become more likable but she retains her spirit, surely that can't hurt. I think though as they become more fond of each other, their ability to potentially hurt each other increases, don't you think?

Yes, but characters hurting each other emotionally isn't very funny in a cartoon, especially if they're friends. Your story sounds like it would make a better movie script than a series, IMHO. In movies, protagonists do evolve in the way you've described.

chucky wrote:No, unfortunately the other job ( live action) was a lame waste of time

That sucks. And it wasn't even animation.

Hi Tony , well this could go one for a long time ,but I'll keep it quick.
On the Akimbo Ming Ling thing- I said potentially hurt, not do hurt.
This is a quest saga with a heavy overtone of comedy, the drama ( I would hope) would threaten to raise its corny head but always get chopped down by the comedy.
Think of Frodo and Sam on their epic and cheesy quest then throw in a good dose of your favourite situation comedy plus plenty of slapstick martial arts. Without conflict there is no drama, no action, no adventure and certainly no comedy, This should be fairly obvious.
Also though I split my sides at South Park, its apples and oranges, and Cartman is nothing like Ming Ling.
I think you should be looking at this with a few less preconceptions, and try and think of some examples where this kind of thing does happen yourself. I can assure you, it is very common for relationships in series to be 'on again off again', with a big helping of '"I think they'll make a great team" thrown in, though I had no intention of making a carbon copy of any one of those preexisting examples. Please don't get hung up on their relationship, it is very relatively easy issue to handle and only would occupy a small amount of screen time, otherwise I myself would puke my guts up. Please sir no cheese.

Oh yeah I wanted to call it 'Kong fu' I was aware there could have been issues with that , but when I heard about 'Skunk fu', that was the nail in the name's coffin.

Anyway none of this matters any more, I'm saddling up another horse to ride into the sunset on. YYYYEEEEHHAAAA!

Okay, you convinced me. I finally get it! I didn't know you were going for an "on again, off again" relationship between the two protagonists until this last post of yours. That makes a huge difference. I thought the progression of their relationship was linear.

At long last I have snatched the grasshopper of knowledge from your hand of forum posting.

It's been fun getting insight into your creative process. Good luck with whatever you do next!

PS: Weird how nobody else is posting in this thread. People will post responses to a 15-second movie, but not to a script? It's probably a matter of the PDF taking a lot of time to read. Oh well. I enjoyed it, my criticisms notwithstanding.

PPS: The mercenary squirrels were my favorite guys. I can see them as the stars of their own show, doing something new and wacky every episode.