My third attempt at a cartoon short

[H.G. DaGr8One]

I know it is not the best but it's a slow start to something better with practice. My inspiration is Aqua Teen Hunger Force, funny dialog less animation. But I'm still trying to learn how to move my characters.
I uploaded it to You Tube I'm trying to get subs and comments for my channel.

http://www.youtube.com/user/hgdagr8one

[lwaxana]

Hey, nice work on this. :) Some of the jokes are pretty funny. But I think if you adjusted the delivery of the jokes, it could be funnier.

I remember that there was some negative reaction to a cartoon you posted in the past. None of the responses got to the heart of what (I think) was actually turning people off about it. So I want to tell you now because I think your work has the potential to appeal to a much wider audience.

Any cartoon, movie, or tv show takes on a point of view. The framing of the story provides judgments of which characters are good and which ones are bad. In your stories, it feels like black sheep and squirrel nuttz are the only good guys. But black sheep tells some pretty mean jokes about other people. I'm talking about the gangbang joke from your previous cartoon and the fat jokes. The fat jokes would be hilarious as yo mama jokes. Because people love their mamas. :D But when you're talking about someone he woke up next to, it just comes off as mean.

The voice of the story suggests that black sheep and squirrel nuttz are cooler and better than everyone else. Most people in the world will identify with "everyone else" and so they'll feel criticized and get defensive. Of course it's up to you who you want to appeal to as your audience. I'm sure a lot of people will identify with black sheep and so they feel included and can connect with the cartoon. But it is possible to write a story that both expresses your ideas and welcomes everyone.

30 rock is an example of a show where all the characters are really different and they make fun of each other all the time, but there's an underlying feeling that they accept and care for each other. The story itself doesn't seem to judge any of the characters as bad. In my opinion, that's what makes that show brilliant. It has a positive vibe and it makes you feel good to watch it.

Animating your own cartoon, you're also the director. Directors have incredible control over how their work will be received. It's really all up to you. :) Anyway, whatever you decide to do, keep up the good work! :)

[H.G. DaGr8One]

Man, Thank you. That is by far the best constructive criticism I have gotten on this forum...ever. Maybe I missed it but what do you mean adjust the delivery? Could you break that down for me?

The gang bang joke is from reality. The fat joke was clearly from the classic situation were a person gets stupid drunk and wakes up the next day in regret of what they may have done while in there stupor.

The voice of the story is suppose to be focused on BS and Nuttz for the time being and I understand that some people will not smile upon it feeling criticized or what not. But there will always be people out there who don't like certain things and that's there perogative.

I understand what your saying about the characters and that is my plan shortly down the road. I just wanted to put emphasis on the main character and side kick because doing this cartoon thing alone is not easy. I'm going to introduce more characters into the fray to appeal to more people.

But again, thanks for the feed back.

[lwaxana]

What I mean about adjusting the delivery is this:

Black Sheep and Squirrel Nuttz are the heroes. The last thing you want to show your heroes doing is bullying the weak (unless it's intended as a character flaw). BS basically says that being fat makes the girl a failure as a one night stand. But remember that all she is to him is a one night stand. So it seems like he's saying that as far as he's concerned, she is a failure.

This would be totally different as a yo mama joke like "Squirrel Nuttz, your mama's so fat that when (some guy?) tried to get off her, he had to roll over like 10 times." That's not as mean because her relationship to Squirrel Nuttz is as his Mom. And being fat probably doesn't affect how Squirrel Nuttz values her as a Mom. In that context it's like playful jabbing.

Like I said earlier, the jokes are actually pretty funny, but I didn't really laugh at any of them because it seemed like they were kicking this poor girl when she's down. So my suggestion is that you bring more of your positive attitude into your cartoons and make it more playful. Remember that one of the main things audiences want is to feel good. :D

[H.G. DaGr8One]

What I mean about adjusting the delivery is this:

Black Sheep and Squirrel Nuttz are the heroes. The last thing you want to show your heroes doing is bullying the weak (unless it's intended as a character flaw). BS basically says that being fat makes the girl a failure as a one night stand. But remember that all she is to him is a one night stand. So it seems like he's saying that as far as he's concerned, she is a failure.

This would be totally different as a yo mama joke like "Squirrel Nuttz, your mama's so fat that when (some guy?) tried to get off her, he had to roll over like 10 times." That's not as mean because her relationship to Squirrel Nuttz is as his Mom. And being fat probably doesn't affect how Squirrel Nuttz values her as a Mom. In that context it's like playful jabbing.

Like I said earlier, the jokes are actually pretty funny, but I didn't really laugh at any of them because it seemed like they were kicking this poor girl when she's down. So my suggestion is that you bring more of your positive attitude into your cartoons and make it more playful. Remember that one of the main things audiences want is to feel good.

The fat chick would not be taken as weak. She can crush the life out of BS and Nuttz put together (because she just that big). But seriously, I get what you saying, sounds like a plan. It is really something I can put in my tool box.